Sunday, April 18, 2004

Seven Habits of Highly Effective Terrorism for Dummies

Is it just me, or are terrorists exceedingly retarded? There are THOUSANDS of terrorists controlling MILLIONS of dollars in money. With access to these kind of resources they should be making alot more than three major attacks over the past three years (9/11, Bali, Madrid), and a bunch of piddly attacks in Iraq, Saudi Arabia, etc. If I had access to 1000 useful idiots and 10 million bucks (and I lost my conscience) i feel confident I could wreak much havoc.

So, for your amusement and because I don't think any terrorists will read this (ha ha almost no one will read this), I hereby provide "Seven Habits of Highly Effective Terrorism for Dummies."

Habit 1: Make your attacks work for you

You can never have too much money. It's important that attacks serve multiple purposes. For example, before the 9/11 attacks I would have taken as much extra money as possible and used it to sell short on airline and insurance stocks. If Osama had done this, he could have inlaid his cave with gold he would have made so much money. Before any attack, I'd figure out which companies or industries it would help or hurt and make money off it. If I was going to attack nuclear power plants or cause some blackouts I would sell short on energy companies, for instance. More money means more attacks, and it's always good strategy to kill two birds with one stone. In Pentagon-speak this would be called "leveraging resources."

Habit 2: Randomate

Part of what makes terrorism so terrorfying is that it's supposed to be random. But Osama and Friends haven't been that random. They hit the same place twice (WTC) and made an attack on the 2.5 anniversary of 9/11 (the Madrid bombing happened on 3/11). Patterns and predictable start with the same letter for a reason (or something). I would use a random number generator to decide dates for attacks and also to pick targets, after making a large database of potential ones that included a wide variety of types and locations. The other side (i.e. us) can't protect everywhere and if terrorists were truly random a good defence would be virtually impossible without taking a large toll.

Habit 3: Bluster bad, bombing good

Osama has been regularly releasing audio tapes (because he's either dead or so sick that it would be embarrassing to be seen) with threats. At this point, it's a little counterproductive to make threats. If you're going to threaten somebody then follow up on it. Nothing makes you look weaker than bluster you can't back up. If you're going to make empty threats the least you can do is attack someone other than who you threatened, just to keep people off guard.

Habit 4: Even the little ones count

Even if you can only make fairly small-scale attacks, ones on U.S. soil are worth more, psychologically. Osama should have taken notes when a homeless crazy person and a young boy made most of the Northeast terrorfied for weeks. It doesn't even take that much resource-wise, just a few crackpots with marksman training, to have a real psychological effect. If I was in charge there would be a new sniper in a different area (chosen with a random number generator of course) every few months. That would keep those Americans on their toes. And the resources could come by having the jihadis stop their stupid frontal attacks on U.S. soldiers in Iraq.

Habit 5: Preserve resources

Obviously wacko extremists willing to die for no good reason are going to be in fairly short supply. Make 'em count. Don't waste them against highly-trained U.S. soldiers in Iraq.

Habit 6: Follow the leader

The whole Blackhawk Down thing was a nice try in Iraq, but clearly it ain't gonna work. Read up on some Vietnam war history if you want to see some good strategy. The Vietnamese had no hope of beating the U.S. on the battlefield so they let dumbass Americans (cough) do their work for them. Encourage this sort of foolishness in your enemy; lie and say that if only the "root causes of terrorism" (ie globalization, poverty and whatever other crap leftists always cite) really ARE the reason you want to kill. It might even work, but it would be sure to muddy the waters enough to confuse the heck out of Americans lacking in the abililty to think.

Habit 7: No state sponsorship

It's tempting as a terrorist to align yourself with like-minded states like Iran, Syria, and Afghanistan back in the day. Bad news. States are too good a targets and have no chance of standing up to the U.S. If terrorists are like fish, a friendly state is like a barrel, not the place to be when the shark (U.S.) comes knocking. Stay in Western countries that are too politically correct to screen people based on race. The closer you are to your enemies the more difficult it is for them to find you.

If Osama would take the above advice he might even live long enough to die of kidney failure (if he's even still alive of course).

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